Because it made it easier
by AbigailKinney4life
Summary: Reflecting on his life, will Syed continue living a lie or finally choose happiness? This is my first fanfic attempt x


Because it made it easier.

Disclaimer: I don't own EastEnders or any of the characters, they belong to the BBC.

Warnings: Slash, slight homophobia. This story does not reflect the views of all Muslims, only the views represented by fictional characters from the BBC television show EastEnders.

"Mummy," an 8 year old Syed Masood asked a younger Zainab Masood as she was preparing dinner.

"Yes, Syed?" She asked, not looking up from the sauce she was stirring.

"What's being gay mean?" Zainab immediately turned to her son.

"Why would you ask that?"

"Because-" said Syed, failing to see the problem. "Chris at school had two Dad's instead of one and then John said that they were gay, but I don't know what that is." Zainab internally sighed, sat down and lifted her son onto her knee.

" "Gay" is another word for homosexuality." Began Zainab. " And that is when two men or two women think that they are in love with each other. It is a very _unnatural_, very _wrong _thing, Syed."

"Can you help it?" Asked Syed innocently.

"What ever temptation man may get, is only a test from Allah, if a righteous Muslim is truly strong, then they will never stray into the path of sin."

"Can all Muslims not get temptation?" Asked Syed.

"If they are strong," Zainab told him, kissing Syed's nose, "and you, my son, are very strong. For you, resisting temptation will be easy."

And Syed truly took his mothers words to heart and believed them with every fibre of his being, and in that moment; Syed Masood had just, unwillingly, made the biggest mistake of his life.

"Come on, Sy, it'll be easy!" The 14 year old Syed Masoods friends assured him. Syed looked uncertainly over the pier.

"It looks cold." Syed said, in an attempt to get out of his dare.

"Aw, come on." The group of adolescent boys chorused behind him. "He's too chicken to do it." One of them jeered.

"I am not!" Syed retorted hotly. "I just don't want to catch a cold!"

"Syed." Said Michael, Syed's "apparent" best friend. "All you've got to do is hold your breath, and jump in, it'll be easy." Syed glanced uncertainly at the water.

"Are you sure...?"

"Trust me." Said Michael, and Syed did. He turned to the water, held his breath and jumped.

In the A&E later that day, Syed winced as the Doctor plastered his broken arm.

"What in the name of Allah made you jump off of a pier, Syed?" Asked Masood Ahmed. "Michael Johnson told me it would be easy." Syed admitted.

"Well, I am going to talk to Michaels parents." Said Masood. "That was a stupid thing to do, son." He continued. "You do know that, right?"

"Yes, Dad." Said Syed, and feeling the throbbing pain in his right arm, Syed honestly did.

His right arm had never worked the same again.

Fearfully and wearily, a 21 year old Syed Masood knocked on the Uni apartment door of number 73. "It's open." An achingly familiar voice called. Wearily again, Syed opened the door to see Jack Smithson sitting on his bed doing up his shoe laces. "Oh, hey, Sy." Said Jack, barely glancing up at him. Suddenly, all the fear left Syed and was replaced by anger.

"Hey, Sy" !" He quoted angrily. "Is that all you've got to say to me?"

Puzzled, Jack looked up at Syed. "Why? What were you expecting?"

"Oh, I dunno," Syed retorted sarcastically. "Maybe an explanation as to why you came into my room last night?" Jack looked down. "You must remember it!" Syed scorned. "You made me...you made me do..._that..."_

"And?" Asked Jack, unfazed.

"I'm a Muslim!" Syed raged. "And homosexuality is strictly forbidden in my culture! Or didn't you think of that?"

"Look, mate-" began Jack, "we were just experimenting last night, what's so wrong?"

"What if it felt right?" Asked Syed. "What if this is who I am? You lead me into temptation and I bring shame on my faith, my family?"

"Look, Sy-" began Jack, walking up to him and putting his hands on his shoulders, electrifying Syed's skin with unease. "If it makes you feel better, you're not gay, you don't have anything to be ashamed of. You'll spend the rest of your life a straight, happy, devout Muslim."

"Really?" Asked Syed softly.

"Yes." Said Jack. "It'll be easy, trust me." Looking at Jack, Syed could achingly see the man who had made love to him the previous night, and Syed trusted him, truly trusted him, truly believed him and because of that, he had never, ever stopped hating himself.

"I don't think I can do it, Steve, good Muslims don't steal from their parents." The 24 year old Syed Masood told his boss, Steve Cross, on the day they were finally going to turn their plan into reality.

"It's not stealing, Syed." Steve lied. "We're just temporarily borrowing the money, and within two months, you'll be able to put back more than double that amount!"

"Do you really think it'll work?" Asked Syed warily.

"Syed," began Steve, putting an arm around Syed's shoulders. "Have I ever lied to you before?"

"Well..." began Syed, slowly being won over.

"Have I?" Steve prompted.

"No." Syed admitted. Steve grinned.

"Then there you go."

"Only if you're sure it will work..." Syed pressed.

"I'm sure, Sy. This plan is fool-proof, it'll be easy as pie."

And by trusting the man, Syed unwilling bankrupt his family's business.

"You have brought shame and dishonour to this house! You are no longer a part of this family!" Masood Ahmed thundered at his son. Syed wildly looked around to his silently crying mother, and the faces of Shabnam and Tamwar, he turned back to his furious father. "Dad..." he began.

"I am not your father!" Masood yelled, and Syed's heart tore open. "Get out of this house, get out of our lives!"

"Dad, I can't just leave you..."

"Why not?" Masood yelled. "It should be easy enough! You obviously don't care about us, or you wouldn't have destroyed our livelihood!"

An unexpected rage suddenly burst up inside Syed. "Fine!" He shouted back, "I'll go! It will be easy! I don't need you!"

And because he was so angry that he actually convinced himself it was true, Syed didn't see his family for years.

"Despite your modesty, I believe you're making excellent progress, Syed." said Allen, and Syed could have laughed in his face. "What? You really believe that?" Said Syed. "I am never going to stop loving Christian."

"It's all inside your head, Syed." Said Allen. "You're strong, able to resist temptation, once you've finally conquered your masculinity issues, you will easily find true happiness.

_Easily find true happiness?_Syed could have slapped him, he would only ever be happy with Christian, and he couldn't deny it any more, he didn't want to.

But instead, Syed thanked the therapist, and left for "home".

"How was therapy?" Asked Zainab.

"Slow." Syed sighed.

You'll get there, my son." Said Zainab, putting her hands on his cheeks. "You are so very strong, you'll see, all to soon, it will be too easy and you will spend the rest of your life a straight, happy, devout Muslim." Syed's mind was immediately pulled back. That was exactly what Jack had said, he had said it would be easy, when all it did was tear him up inside. In fact, now that Syed came to think about it, almost every time he'd taken the "easy" route, his life had only been mucked up even more. And he just couldn't do it any more. But he owed his family that much to quietly sit through dinner and Zainab's and Bushra's matchmaking party, and he quietly sneaked off when every one was asleep.

He knocked on Christian's door quietly and a few minutes later, a tired looking Christian opened the door. "Sy?" He exclaimed, surprised, Syed walked past him and Christian quietly closed the door.

"Christian." Began Syed. "I have spent my entire life, lying to myself, my entire life, being a coward, because it was easier than being who I really am," he stared into Christian's eyes. "Easier than being the only person I can be. And I don't want to do that any more, I have mucked up my life enough from the easy route to see that now, and I'm not going to do what's easy any more, I'm going to do what's _right." _

"Which is?" Asked Christian softly.

"You." Said Syed. "I can't hide it any more, and I don't want to, I love you, I've always loved and I always will, and here I am, babbling on like a hopeless mess and begging for you to take me back." Syed took Christian's hand. "Please Christian, I need you, life without you isn't worth living. Any idiot can see that, trust me to be the last person! It's like I walk around with tin foil over my eyes!"

Christian's eyes had softened to liquid."Do you really mean it?" He asked softly.

"Of course I do." Said Syed. "Please Christian, be with me?"

Christian leaned forward and kissed Syed with enough passion to set the flat on fire, and Syed took that as a "yes". That night, they made love, euphoric and passionate and finally, finally free.

The next morning and Syed was making coffee in only his boxers and Christian came up behind him and snaked his arms around Syed's naked torso. "Morning." Syed smiled.

"I love you." Said Christian softly, and Syed's heart melted, Syed turned around and kissed Christian tenderly. "We'll always be together?" Christian asked.

"For the rest of our lives." Syed confirmed softly, and Christian smiled a smile of true elation. "Where to begin?" He joked.

"Well," Syed sighed, "I guess we could start by telling my parents." Christian opened his eyes and looked seriously at Syed. "Are you sure?"

"They have to know-" said Syed, taking hold of Christian's hand. "I'm not ashamed of you." Christian smiled briefly.

"But what if they disown you?"

"They will disown me, Christian," said Syed. "But I'm gay and I'm Muslim, and the only two people who need to understand that are right here in this room."

"I'll stand by you." Said Christian, and Syed smiled.

All he ever needed was never leaving his side.

Christian sighed. "This won't be easy." He said, almost like the idea would put Syed off, but, if anything, it only attracted him more.

"I know that," Said Syed softly, stroking Christian's cheek, "and I don't care."

Christian pulled Syed into a hug and Syed finally had all he wanted in life. He didn't care if this was the hardest thing in the world, because he would never run away, now that Christian was here to hold his hand. Besides, running away from his problems would be doing nothing but repeating every mistake Syed had ever made in his life. He was no longer a coward, even though it made life easier that way.

Easy.

Syed was sick and tired of the word.


End file.
